


Derek in the Kitchen with a Knife

by Onlymystory



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Derek traumatizes the pack, F/M, M/M, Multi, this is just ridiculous, tumblr is an enabler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-07
Updated: 2012-11-07
Packaged: 2017-11-18 04:58:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/557142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Onlymystory/pseuds/Onlymystory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So this post (http://textsfromlastfullmoon.tumblr.com/post/20902910852)  from TextsFromLastFullMoon showed up on my tumblr dash today. This story is what happened after. Purely and completely ridiculous crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Derek in the Kitchen with a Knife

It was getting ridiculous. Stiles and Derek had officially been together for three years now. And out of a combination of not actually being interested in public sex and being respectful of their packmates, they’d kept anything beyond light kissing to Stiles’ bedroom or Derek’s apartment.

Okay there was the one time, early on in the relationship when they were on Stiles’ couch except apparently when cleaning up, he missed Derek’s boxer briefs under one of the couch cushions. They spent the next two weeks dealing with the Sheriff hurriedly throwing down plastic sheets every time either Stiles or Derek tried to sit down.

It was not funny. No matter what his father said.

But then three weeks ago, when the rest of the pack had gone to a party at Lydia’s and said they would be gone all night, (all night Stiles liked to remind them), Derek wanted to put the kitchen table to other uses.

Stiles is a big fan of researching alternative uses for household furniture.

Everything was great. Until “all night” meant the entire pack walking in the door at 11pm to a perfect view of Derek’s naked ass as he thrust harder into a moaning Stiles, spread out on the kitchen table.

Scott immediately started screaming about his eyes, Boyd was grouching about how this is where they eat, and Lydia just pulled up a chair and told them to keep going.

Stiles had not appreciated that. It also took him yelling ‘oh my god, get out!’ to get everyone to snap out of it and walk out of the kitchen. He is under no illusions that there weren’t several pictures taken.

But still. It was one time. One time when the pack was supposed to be gone and could not be traumatized. It’s not like they planned this.

But did any of the pack remember that? No. They didn’t seem to remember that Derek and Stiles didn’t actually go around trying to traumatize the pack. In fact they were a hell of a lot more respectful than Scott, who seemed to think no one noticed when he gave Isaac hand jobs during movie nights. Or Erica and Boyd who after a good training session would just start going at it in the yard. Which hello, rude. Even Lydia and Jackson weren’t as considerate, though that also stemmed from Lydia being a total voyeur and preferring to watch.

The pack had apparently decided that walking in on Derek & Stiles was the most offensive. So the rest took to being as public as possible. Stiles was never going to sit in his favorite over-sized chair again now that Boyd and Erica had demoralized it.

Lydia and Jackson kept making exaggerated noises whenever they made out around the pack.

And if Stiles had to walk in on Isaac blowing Scott in the kitchen when he just wanted a cup of coffee before class one more time, he was going to scream.

Derek suspected the pack was keeping each other on a phone tree too because another couple was always around. Derek and Stiles had tried sneaking into his old bedroom to no avail.

Stiles finally left for class on Friday morning with a stern warning to Derek to do something about this and do it fast.

“Are they still making out on the couch?” he asked when he called Derek as he was heading home. He only had one class so he wasn’t gone long.

“They won’t leave, Stiles!” yelled Derek over the phone. “I tried dumping water on them, I tried yelling, even the Alpha growl only gets a few second pause. This is ridiculous.”

“Seriously?”

“I think Lydia’s trying to see if Boyd & Erica are interested in a threesome.”

Stiles snorted with laughter. Of course she was. “Think Derek. There has to be something we can do. How can we get them to leave?”

“Screw this. I’m gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife.”

Stiles momentarily collapsed against his jeep, he was laughing so hard. “Oh please, please do.”

“I’m not joking, Stiles,” Derek had his growly voice. “They want traumatized, I’ll give them traumatized.”

If Stiles hit the gas pedal a little harder than normal to get home faster, he was totally justified. He could hear Derek shrugging off his jacket.  “You’re seriously stripping right now. This is fantastic.”

Derek had a surprised note. “You can tell that over the phone?”

“I’ve become very familiar with the sound of your pants sliding off.”

“Damn it, Stiles, if I’m hard they’re going to have more ammunition. It’ll cancel out the whole thing.”

“Fine sourwolf, just um, picture Peter and Chris going at it in the backseat of your Camaro.”

“Yeah that did the trick. Good idea, that image is terrifying.”

Stiles smirked, then remembered Derek couldn’t see him. “Terrifying for you at least.”

“WHAT?!?!” snarled Derek.

“Shush. I’m like 5 minutes away. Go terrorize the children.”

Derek hung up on him, finished stripping, then walked into the kitchen to grab a giant butcher knife.

Stiles pulled up in time to hear Scott’s high-pitched scream of terror, followed by five werewolves and a human running out of the house with equally horrified looks on their faces.

Boyd and Lydia looked like they were trying not to laugh at the same time.

Derek stood in the doorway and roared at them, brandishing the knife.

It was taking everything Stiles had in him to keep from falling over with laughter.

“And stay out!” growled Derek, walking back inside.

Stiles grabbed his backpack and followed him into the house as the rest of the pack took off in a hurry.

“You are my hero,” laughed Stiles, kissing Derek when he walked in.

Derek collapsed on the couch. “You should have seen the look on Scott’s face.”

“Isaac’s going to kill you if you retriggered Scott’s bed-wetting,” snorted Stiles.

That sent Derek into his own peals of laughter.

They stopped laughing when Derek leaned over and kissed Stiles, before pulling him onto his lap. Stiles debated suggesting the bed before thinking better of it. The couch needed to be rechristened as theirs anyway.


End file.
